What am I afraid of?
The other day, I posted a link to a list of emotions. I thought it might be interesting to write a post that corresponds to each emotion.

1. I am a little afraid of writing about what makes me afraid for fear of giving energy to negativity. I don’t want these things to expand and grow. However, on the other hand, by talking publicly about what makes me afraid, it could also have the effect of lessening the effects of these fears and help me do something about them.
2. I am afraid of appearing stupid. Ahh…ego. It is my friend, or my nemisis.
3. I am afraid of being lonely. Being an academic (in training) is more isolating than I thought it would be. I need to work harder at getting out more. Plus, I miss old friends. Talking on IM, email, and phone is not the same as going out for coffee, drinking some wine together, or going for a motorcycle ride.
4. I am afraid of gaining more weight. Seriously. I have got to get this under control or I’m going to weigh 300 pounds by the time I finish my PhD.
5. I am afraid of people’s perceptions of me if I gain more weight. What will they think of me? What will I think of myself?
6. I am afraid of not being a good enough teacher. There are so many time committments that it is a constant struggle to devote the right amount of time to each role I’m playing right now.
7. I am afraid of not being a good enough scholar. I know I need to relax and learn to play with some ideas more. L. is such a good friend. She is good at telling me not to take myself so seriously and have fun. By the same token, I appreciate when S. tells me to have compassion for myself and feel my feelings.
8. I am afraid of having children, although this is rapidly becoming a non-issue. I think I could have step-children. I worry about being the primary caregiver and not having enough time/energy/patience/devotion to give.
9. I am afraid of telling you how I waste time or how much of my time is unproductive.
10. I am afraid of not being able to recognize and interpret when people aren’t going to be very friendly. I just expect everyone to be friendly so it really surprises me when people aren’t. I tend to take it personally, which I know intellectually that I shouldn’t.
11. I am afraid of accumulating too much stuff.

Ok. Enough of that.

What am I not afraid of?
1. I am not afraid to ride a motorcycle. This does not mean that I am not cautious. I have a healthy fear of obstacles and autos that might attempt to interfere with my safe travel, but I don’t let that prevent me from doing it and enjoying it.
2. I am not afraid of boogey men. I have healthy street smarts and I am aware and cautious.
3. And, speaking of men (other kind of men!), I am not afraid of falling in love. I’ve been there before and it’s fun and time consuming and it takes commitment to make a relationship work, but it’s worth it :)
4. I am not afraid of doing new things (generally speaking).
5. I am not afraid of revealing some personal information (like now).
6. I am not afraid of taking a new job doing something I haven’t done before.
7. I am not afraid of life in general. Things will work out. Divine order is at work in my life and this, or something better, will transpire. Academics (that I know) don’t talk much about God, or the Universe, or religion.
8. I am not afraid (much) of traveling (by myself). I can go anywhere in the US and find my way around. It takes a little more planning to travel internationally and find my way, but I’m up for it!

That is enough for now. I have papers to write. Now.